Last year was a year of learning for me.: both externally and internally, if you will. Having had a chance to complete my degree program was a strenuous but rewarding experience. It wore me out, both mentally and physically, but it made up for it in feel good results. I did it! God is good. I would have never tried to get into the program unless he opened that door wide for me and carried me through all the way. He is an awesome daddy!
As far as the internal changes, they were certainly put in motion via my new year’s resolutions. They had been smoldering underneath the surface for some time, but became paramount at that time. You would think that having been on this planet for the last 4 decades I would have had many chances to gain insight into my own soul and straightened out some of the messes that have accumulated over the years. But it seems that my habit of sticking my head into the sand has perpetuated many flawed situations. If you never identify your faults, you will never even think of changing them and of course it will remain as it is. Elementary, my dear Watson! So when I dared to open myself to the scrutiny of close examination by the Holy Spirit, many things were made crystal clear to me by the divine light of God. Seems like a strange out of body experience or a holy trance of something, but it was actually during one of those routine chores I do on a daily basis that these revelations came to me. And after that I felt like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden when they suddenly became very aware of their nakedness in front of God. They knew they were wrong and so did I. It was a freeing experience and certainly very humbling. I knew I was wrong in those areas and I really knew there was nothing I could do to take care of it and make it right. And I guess that’s where God wants us anyway: prostrate on our face like Luther in the movie I saw a few weeks ago (extremely powerful movie). We are nothing and we should feel like that when we are confronted with God’s truth. It’s not a humiliating experience, because there’s love, and there’s hope for help. I surrendered myself to God for remodeling. I am now officially a work in progress-not that I haven’t been all this time, but now I have done the paperwork with the contractor for the necessary work to be done. I asked God to make me aware of my shortcomings before they go too far so that I may be sensitized to sin’s temptation in order to realize when to scream for help. God’s word promises a way out of all temptations. And having started reading “The Normal Christian Life” by Watchman Nee, I understand that I have already been crucified with Christ and his blood has atoned for my sins. I have acknowledged spiritual death in the past, and resurrection with Christ. He has done it all, and all I need to do now is acknowledge it and refer to him for life. And that means I no longer live, but Christ in me. He has already given me the power to overcome. He has given me the peace I need and the joy to endure.
What else is there? God holds primary position in my life. I need to daily reckon myself dead to the old self and alive in Christ and not demand my own way. That’s what it means living out the taking-your-cross-upon-yourself-daily. Crucify those selfish desires that draw me away from God’s purpose for my life. And the process may be very mundane. Like Luther scrubbing floors. That may not be such a bad pastime as a humbling experience and have quiet time with God. Hmmmm, where’s the nearest monastery? Maybe my floor is right here, where I am. Why is it so difficult to translate knowledge into practice? Why does it hurt so bad to give up self? I guess dying is not easy, even spiritually speaking…
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